purewellnessamy

“She’s too busy,” is the comment made by my 2.5 year old son that simultaneously stopped my heart, brought tears to my eyes, and left me with this unrelenting pit of guilt in my stomach.  To make matters worse, he made the comment to my HUSBAND who is always on me about how much time I spend on the computer.  I’m the first to admit that I’m having a hard time disconnecting from my laptop. Up until August, I’d worked on a computer all day, 5 or 6 days a week, since 1992. When I don’t have access to a computer I feel like I’m missing an appendage. But I have never in my life told Peter that I was “too busy” on the computer to play with him. I’ve never uttered those words and hearing it from him nearly brought me to my knees. Where did he hear that phrase and how did he know how to  use it in the proper context??? And why for the love of God did he have to say it to my husband?!? My husband, who now imagines that I plant Peter in front of the t.v. all day watching SpongeBob while I fiddle away on the computer shouting “I’M BUSY” when he asks me to do something.  That’s not how it is, I swear!

After Peter’s daycare closed in July, my husband and I decided that it would be best if I left my job to become a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), which contrary to what some people believe, is a job. Being a SAHM means that Peter is my #1 priority, of course, but I also have the desire to start a health counseling practice or at least do some writing about health and wellness (hence, this blog) to put my education to use and maybe help people who are struggling with their health.  Starting a business takes time. I try to limit my computer time to first thing in the morning when I’m making breakfast (my new office is the kitchen counter), then during Peter’s nap time which is 1.5-3 hours in the afternoon, and then after I put him to bed at 8:00. 

OK.  Sometimes in the morning I do end up farting around on FB and/or Twitter and/or my email before I realize that I’m supposed to be making breakfast for the kid who is now standing in front of the open refrigerator saying “I’m hungwy.”   Ooops. Where did the time go? But even in those odd moments, I don’t say “I’m busy. I’ll feed you later.” I stop whatever time-sucking activity I’m in the middle of and make us breakfast. 

So then we go about our day until nap time. As I said, I have 1.5- 3 hours to get stuff done. Of course, I want to devote this time to building my business, but there’s laundry to be done, bills to be paid, and other blogs to be read. Before I know it, I hear Peter yelling “MaMaaaa”! indicating that nap time is ovah, as they say in Boston.

So then we go about our evening until I put him to bed. Night-night. Now, if I were a different type of person I’d have 3 or 4 productive hours ahead of me.  But I am not a different type of person. I am me, a person whose brain really does turn off at around 8:00. Really. I can manage to read a book or watch t.v., but writing something intelligible is out of the question. It’s ridiculous to even consider doing something constructive and it’s soooo disappointing. One of my friends is up until midnight/1 a.m. working on her business and I feel like such a slacker in comparison. 

I’m telling you this to explain why I’m not posting on the blog, FB, or Twitter as often as usual.  I’m consciously spending less time on the computer so Peter will never again think that I’m ”too busy” for him.  It’s becoming clear to me that I need to wait until he starts preschool in the fall to accelerate my business. I can use those hours when he’s off on his own to get my stuff done. Right now my time is his time, and that’s the way it should be.  I need to be present, in the moment, while playing with him, not off in the ether thinking about my next blog post or what “important” tweets I’m missing. I can’t compete with the bloggers who post more than once a day. I will try to post something useful/informative at least once a week. That’s the best I can do for now.  I’m so lucky to have this time with Peter…time flies…I mean, if I feel like I’m missing an appendage when I don’t have access to a computer, how am I going to feel when I don’t have access to him?

Every parent should take a few quiet minutes to watch this video.  After having a couple of challenging days with my son,  I was bawling from the beginning through to the end.  I think one of the most important mantras of parenthood is “this too shall pass.”  The phases our kids go through may seem interminable while we’re going through them (like the horrific grocery shopping trip we experienced yesterday), but my son will not be two forever.  With the grocery store moment behind us, Peter woke up this morning and was the same little kid I know and love, hands knotted tight behind my neck, kissing my face over and over while saying “my mama” between kisses. 

But, later this morning, for the first time ever, he peed on the couch and an hour after that he decided to try eating a snack of shells and rocks.  To say this is atypical behavior is an understatement.  I have taken a few deep breaths (enough to make me feel light headed),  watched this video and have reassured myself that this bizarro 2-year-old behavior will pass. Before I know it he’ll be crying at the nursery school door when I drop him off.  Soon after that he’ll be sneaking beer from our fridge with his friends.  And soon after that he’ll be packing up his room to head off to college.   But not yet.  We have many ordinary days to savor before he leaves his mama.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0&feature=youtube_gdata